Text messaging opens your child up to risks such as cyberbullying, sexting, and toxic group chats. But texting also brings plenty of positives, like increased connection with friends and the ability to stay in contact with you when you’re not with them. As you get ready to hand your child their new device, it’s useful to create a family texting contract with expectations on how they will behave with their new privileges.
A family texting contract is an agreement between parents and children that establishes rules and expectations for text messaging. For instance, a rule might require your child to reply to your texts promptly when they’re out of the house.
While some parents might incorporate these rules into a broader digital device contract — which covers general device use, such as screen time limits and prohibited locations for phone use — a family texting contract specifically targets text messaging. Choose the option that best suits your family’s needs.
When it comes to setting rules, the approach matters. Waiting to angrily impose a rule when you’re fed up with a behavior is less likely to be successful than if you set thoughtful expectations from the start and adjust as needed over time. It’s worth taking the time to create your family’s texting rules before your child starts texting. But if that ship has already sailed, it’s never too late to set new boundaries — just be prepared for an adjustment period as your child gets used to the new law of the land.
Here are some things to consider as you decide what texting boundaries to set:
You have the final say, but the more input your child has in deciding what goes on the family texting contract, the more buy in you’ll get. They also might surprise you with what they come up with. Explain why you think it’s important to set texting guidelines and ask them what they think should be included.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
Once you’ve decided your new texting rules, it’s time to put them in place. Here are some tips:
Allowing your child to start texting is a big step. By thoughtfully implementing guidelines and behavior expectations, you will help them establish a healthy relationship to texting.
As the digital world continues to become more integrated into our lives, it’s important for parents and guardians to set clear boundaries with children about their device use. By implementing a digital device contract, you can help ensure that your kids are using technology safely and responsibly. Setting expectations as a family will help kids develop healthy habits around technology usage, while also providing an opportunity for open dialogue about what kids encounter online.
You can create your own from scratch, or use a customizable one — like our free Digital Device Contract Template.
When customizing the contract for your family, it’s important to provide clear guidelines on how devices should be used. Some of these guidelines may include:
It’s also important to discuss what types of content are appropriate for them to view or share online across videos, images and text messages.
In addition to laying out specific rules regarding device usage, a digital device contract should also include consequences if those rules are not followed. For example, if your child goes over the agreed-upon time limit, then there could be restrictions placed on their access for the remainder of the day or week. You may also want to consider rewarding your child for following the rules, such as providing extra time if they have been particularly responsible in their device use.
The ideal moment to first introduce a digital device contract is when your child first gets his or her own phone or tablet. By putting together this document ahead of time, you can ensure that you both understand what is expected from the start. This will help avoid any confusion down the line and make sure that everyone knows exactly where they stand regarding usage rules and expectations.
Another good time to introduce or update your existing digital device contract is when your family’s circumstances change (e.g., moving house, starting at a new school). This gives you an opportunity to review how things are going so far and make any necessary adjustments. It’s also a good way to reiterate the importance of responsible online behavior and make sure your child is following the rules.
Finally, any time that your child expresses a desire to explore new technologies — whether it’s social media, video streaming services, or something else — it can be useful to have a digital device contract in place to help them understand the consequences of their actions. This can also be a great time to sit down and have an open conversation about the potential dangers of these new technologies and how they should be used safely.
Parents often make the mistake of thinking that talking to their kids about digital device contracts is a one-time conversation. But this type of dialogue should be an ongoing process throughout your child’s development as they learn how to safely and responsibly use technology. It’s important for parents to stay informed on the latest trends in online safety, such as popular phishing scams or major password breaches. That way, you can discuss these topics with your children in an age-appropriate manner.
It’s important for both parties to understand exactly what is expected from them, so that everyone knows where they stand if any issues arise later on down the line. Be sure to explain each rule clearly and provide examples if necessary. Give your child space to ask questions while you review the contract.
Kids need to know that there are real repercussions for not following through with the terms of the agreement; otherwise, why bother making one at all? Make sure you outline clear consequences ahead of time and enforce them consistently when needed.
It’s important to remember that you, as the parent, have a responsibility as well. Make sure you set realistic expectations for yourself: be diligent about monitoring your child’s online activity and checking in from time to time to make sure they are abiding by the contract. If there are any issues, be sure to address them immediately and take corrective action if needed.
You also have the opportunity to lead by example; if your child agrees not to use their phone during meals, you should stay off your phone, too.
Lastly, don’t forget to revisit the digital use contract periodically with your child as they grow and learn. As technology advances, so too will the risks associated with it; being aware of these changes can help you keep your child safe online.
By following these tips, you can help ensure that your conversation about digital device contracts goes smoothly and that everyone understands the expectations set out in the agreement. To get started customizing your own contract, download this free template.
When your child starts texting independently, it’s an exciting time for them — one of new freedoms, but also new risks. Especially as children are first learning how to manage this new privilege, it’s important for families to set texting rules that support them on their journey and help keep them safe.
Unsupervised texting can lead to a number of unwanted situations, such as:
Establishing texting rules helps protect against these risks. By following these rules, your child can develop a sense of responsibility while you grant them an appropriate level of independence based on their age and maturity level.
If you’re ready to set texting rules for your child, but aren’t sure where to start, here’s a guide to help you:
Your children might not love having texting rules in place, but if they understand why they’re so important, they’re much more likely to respect and follow them.
Explain the reasoning behind the rules in an age-appropriate way. For example, you might explain that strangers may want to talk to your child. Texting rules help you stay informed and keep them safe.
Once your child understands why they need texting rules, ask them for ideas on what they should be.
This doesn’t mean they’re in charge — as the adult, you get the final say. But by approaching rule-setting with a collaborative spirit, you’re more likely to get buy-in from your child than if you just impose the rules from on high. They also might surprise you with some good ideas!
After your child has given their input, decide what rules to put in place. Here are some suggestions:
After you’ve established texting rules and expectations, put it into a digital device contract to encourage accountability.
Also known as a family media agreement, a digital device contract is a great way to write down expectations and potential consequences. Put the contract somewhere everyone can see!
Here are some of the common questions parents have about setting texting rules for their kids along with our advice:
We love that you’re asking this question, because it means you respect your child’s privacy. Kids deserve a reasonable level of privacy, but that must be balanced by the need to keep them safe.
The two keys to monitoring your child’s texts without invading their privacy are:
They might. It’s sort of their job. Hold firm on what rules are important while remaining open to reasonable feedback from your child. And (gently) remind them they don’t have to love the texting rules — they just have to be able to live with them.
It’s a good idea to amend your texting rules as your child get’s older and demonstrates responsibility. For example, you might pull back from checking their text threads and only review BrightCanary when there’s something concerning.
There’s no single age at which your child is suddenly more mature and ready for more independence — do what feels right for your family and in communication with your child.
The best time to set texting rules is before your child gets a device. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible to do so after the fact. It may just require more explanation on your part and more adjustment on the part of your child.
Kids need texting rules, especially as they’re first starting. There’s no time like today to start the conversation with your child, even if they’ve already been texting independently without rules. Tools like BrightCanary help support safe and responsible texting habits for your child.
In general, passwords shouldn’t be shared. However, there are several valid safety reasons parents might need access to their child’s passwords. But what happens if you discover your child has changed their password without telling you? Should you be concerned? How should you handle it? Read on to learn how to talk to your child about passwords and what to do if they change theirs.
Here are some reasons you might want to have your child’s passwords:
Some kids, especially younger or more forgetful ones, might need parental help keeping track of their passwords. Even if your child is older, it’s not a bad idea to have access to one or two important passwords, such as the master password on their computer or their password manager app. This will save you the headache of the password recovery process.
It’s important that your kid uses strong passwords in order to keep their information safe. Particularly when your child is new to using technology, it can be a good idea to keep an eye on their passwords to make sure the ones they use are secure.
Parents may also require access to their child’s passwords in order to periodically check their online activity.
If you use BrightCanary to monitor your child’s online activity, you need their passwords. Having their login credentials allows you to remotely monitor their text messages, social media, YouTube, and Google, all from your phone.
There are several reasons why your child might change their password and not tell you, and most are nothing to worry about.
If you haven’t already had the password conversation with your child, now’s a great time to start. It’s also a great time for a refresher chat. Here are the important points to emphasize:
Because password management is so important, consider including these expectations in your digital device contract.
If you discover (or suspect) that your child changed their password without telling you, it’s smart to follow up with them. Here are some suggestions for how to approach it.
Before you jump off the deep end speculating all the awful reasons your child might have changed their password, first take one simple step: ask them. Perhaps they simply forgot to tell you. Finding out why they did it will help inform your next steps.
Reiterate that you’re not using their passwords to spy on your child, but you need their logins to help keep them safe. Emphasize your goal is to protect and support them and to help them learn to use the internet wisely.
If you discover your child is intentionally concealing their password and you’ve written a consequence for this into your digital device contract, it’s important to enforce it in order to underscore the importance of the situation.
A password manager is an excellent way to remember and protect passwords for both you and your child. Check out BrightCanary’s Password Vault, available for free in the BrightCanary app.
You may also want to look into ways to prevent kids from easily changing passwords on their devices. For instance, if your child keeps turning off Apple Screen Time, know that you can set a passcode to limit their access.
As a parent, it’s important to teach your child how to manage their passwords, which may mean you need access to them. If they change a password without telling you, the first step is to find out why they did it and remind them why you need access to it. A written agreement about password sharing is a valuable tool to help you in your efforts.
Parenting tweens and early teens is difficult and requires a nuanced approach because every kid matures differently. This is especially true for devices. As parents consider what’s right for their child, they may choose to read their kid’s texts when they’re first starting out with a phone. If your child has a phone and you want to read their texts, here are some things to keep in mind.
While there are plenty of solid reasons for 12-year-olds to have a phone, this age also needs the most guardrails, including close monitoring of their texts. At this age, you want to be more hands-on, reviewing who they’re texting and what the conversations are about.
Here are some tips for supervising your 12-year-old’s texts:
It’s a teenager’s job to push for freedom, and it’s a parent’s job to regulate that freedom so they can safely spread their wings. At this age, you may want to give them more independence and autonomy with their messaging if they’ve demonstrated their maturity and can follow family rules.
Here are some ways to strike a balance between texting privileges and rules:
The leap in maturity between 13 and 14 years old varies widely from kid to kid. Some kids may still need a level of close supervision. Here are some ways to decide how involved to be in your 14-year-old’s texts:
No matter how mature and responsible your child is, there are some topics you’ll want to monitor even through their late teens. Suicidal ideation, self harm, and drugs are top on that list.
But that doesn’t mean hovering. Reading every text may be an option when your child is younger, but they need some privacy as they grow older. Text message monitoring allows you to give your child autonomy and step in when anything potentially dangerous is detected.
Depending on your family’s values, some things you encounter in your child’s texts may be no big deal, such as moderate profanity or violence in the sports they follow. It’s okay to let some stuff go.
You know your child best, and every family has different ideas of what’s acceptable. Some monitoring apps allow you to customize what topics it scans for based on your priorities, so you’ll get fewer alerts for swear words but more alerts for potential dangers like self-harm and drugs.
There are three main ways to monitor your tween’s text messages, and they work best in conjunction with each other.
Parents should tailor their approach to reading their child’s texts based on their age, maturity, and temperament. Apps like BrightCanary are a great companion to other monitoring efforts, like regular check-ins and conversations about online safety.
Parenting in the digital age is hard. When to let your child have their first phone, setting screen time limits, and deciding whether to monitor your kid’s device are among the difficult choices parents must make. But how do you navigate co-parenting and cell phones?
It’s common for parents to disagree on these issues, but separation or divorce adds even more complexity to maneuver. In fact, family law experts cite decisions about the use of devices as one of the most significant sources of conflict during divorce.
Hard as it may be, it’s vital that parents get on the same page about digital parenting rules. Read on for tips on negotiating the tricky waters of co-parenting and cell phone rules.
Children need boundaries. Not only do they help keep kids safe (and help them feel safe), but they’re also an important part of development. Boundaries help children develop self-discipline and learn to set their own limits.
When it comes to boundaries, technology is no exception. From safety issues like online predators to the negative consequences of too much tech, the evidence is clear that children need rules in the digital world.
You and your co-parent may not see eye-to-eye on things like how much screen time is okay for your child or what apps they’re allowed to download. But it’s important to find a middle ground, rather than arguing or talking behind each other’s back.
Research consistently points to the fact that parental conflict negatively affects children. Although conflict is normal and inevitable, how you fight matters. The biggest concern when it comes to children is destructive and unresolved conflicts between parents. These can contribute to a child’s emotional insecurity, which may lead to difficulties managing their emotions and behavior, mental health problems, and social and academic struggles.
If you’re actively going through a divorce or separation with your co-parent, this major transition can further overwhelm your child.
Children may not admit to liking boundaries, but they do need them; they make a child feel secure. On the other hand, unclear and inconsistent boundaries can set the stage for power struggles and conflict with your child. Therefore, it’s important to do everything you can to present a civil, united front with your co-parent.
Here are some tips on how to collaborate with your co-parent to create digital boundaries for your child:
It’s important to present a united front to your child, both while you’re hashing out digital rules and after you’ve come to an agreement that you and your co-parent can both live with.
Here are some tips:
Arguments between parents are adult issues. Keep your kid out of it, and resist the urge to badmouth your co-parent around your child. Not only is it emotionally harmful for your child to feel like they have to act as the go-between in parental conflict, but it’s also difficult to convince them to follow the rules if they know you disagreed when setting them in the first place.
It’s important to implement the new boundaries clearly and enforce them consistently. Consider putting your new rules in writing. Documenting expectations about digital behavior helps minimize future conflict and creates accountability for everyone involved. Including the rules, expectations, and consequences in a digital device contract that you, your co-parent, and your child regularly review and discuss.
Using a monitoring app ensures you and your co-parent operate with the same set of facts about your child’s online behavior, which can minimize conflict when enforcing digital rules. BrightCanary helps you supervise your child’s text messages on Apple devices, plus their activity on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, and Google.
With BrightCanary, you can share a subscription with your co-parent if you have Apple Family Sharing enabled in your iCloud settings. You’ll both need to create separate BrightCanary accounts and log into the platforms you wish to monitor for your child. Once set up, you can review their online activity and receive alerts for any concerning content directly from your phones.
Divorce and separation add to the difficulty of setting and enforcing digital parenting rules. But it’s important that co-parents align on tech boundaries and present a united front to their child.
Welcome to Parent Pixels, a parenting newsletter filled with practical advice, news, and resources to support you and your kids in the digital age. This week:
Every other week, we see new headlines about the damaging effects smartphones and social media have on our children’s mental health. But what about practical solutions and tips for parents? Those get less attention. Until now.
Two recent studies reveal the critical role parents play in promoting healthy tech habits. Spoiler: the findings indicate that battling unhealthy tech boils down to communication and rule-setting, not ruling with an iron fist or spying on your kid.
A study published in JMIR Pediatrics and Parenting explored how digital interventions can help fight internet addiction (IA) in young children. IA is a behavioral disorder defined as excessive and uncontrolled use of the internet and digital devices. The study involved interviews with 28 parents of children aged 7–11 in Indonesia, along with child therapists. Why Indonesia? The risk of internet addiction tends to be higher in lower-income regions with lower quality of life, and the country has a high prevalence of IA, particularly among children.
The second study, published in Addictive Behaviors, examined strategies to reduce problematic smartphone use (PSU) among adolescents. PSU refers to a behavioral pattern where a person excessively uses their smartphone in a way that significantly interferes with daily life. This research involved 1,187 families with kids between the ages of 14–18 years old over a six-month period.
The findings of these two studies point to two facts about parenting in the digital age: tools like Apple Screen Time can aid in monitoring, but they’re most effective when paired with open communication and clear rules.
Here are some practical steps you can take:
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If you’re frustrated that your child keeps finding a way around their screen time limits, you’re not alone. Read on to learn some common ways kids turn off Screen Time and what parents can do about it.
As you get ready to hand your child their new device, it’s useful to create a family texting contract with expectations on how they will behave with their new privileges. Here’s how to do it.
One of the most effective methods for keeping your child safe online is to have regular conversations about their internet activity and what they encounter. Here are some conversation-starters to get you going:
✍️ President Biden has signed the REPORT Act into law. The bipartisan bill requires online platforms and social media companies to report child sex trafficking and online enticement to National Center for Missing and Exploited Children’s tip line. The bill is the first major piece of legislation that would put enforcement and accountability mechanisms on social media platforms in years, according to the senators behind the bill.
⚖️ In response to the TikTok ban, both TikTok’s parent company ByteDance and a group of TikTok creators have officially sued the U.S. government.
🐤 New product feature: BrightCanary now displays deleted text messages in your child’s text threads. Download BrightCanary on the App Store today!
You set limits with Apple Screen Time, but you have a suspicion that it’s not working the way it should. Now, you’re wondering, “Can my child turn off Screen Time?” If you’re frustrated that your child keeps finding a way around their screen time limits, you’re not alone. Our digital natives are good at staying a step ahead of us when it comes to tech. Read on to learn some common ways kids turn off Screen Time and what parents can do about it.
Here are some ways your child might try to work around their device restrictions:
You can set a passcode so your child can’t easily get past their Screen Time limits, but passcodes aren’t foolproof. Your child can learn the passcode by looking over your shoulder, screen recording to capture you entering the code, or old-fashioned deduction skills.
Even if you’ve restricted certain messaging apps, kids can still find ways to communicate with friends after-hours. By creating a shared note with a friend, anything either of them types in the note is visible to the other person.
Plus, if your kid takes a screenshot (of anything) and shares it, the screenshot will be sent as a text. Your kid can add a message to it, even if they’ve reached their limit on messages.
When kids reach their limit, they can hit Ask For More Time and then select One More Minute to eek out a little extra time.
Kids can still use Siri to send messages after their limit.
Deleting and then reinstalling an app removes any limitations on it.
Using the screen-recording tool allows kids to record a YouTube video to watch later from their Photo album.
If you set Screen Time limits during certain hours, it’s common for kids to adjust the time zone on their device to get around limits.
If you’ve blocked YouTube during Downtime but not messages, your child can still open any videos that are sent to them via text.
First, here’s a refresher on how to use iPhone parental controls and ways to troubleshoot if Screen Time isn’t working. These tips can help prevent the most common ways kids use to turn off Screen Time:
If a kid’s crafty enough, they’ll figure out a way around your restrictions. That’s why it’s important to couple them with other measures.
First, lean on your relationship. Let your child know you expect to be able to trust them to respect your rules and boundaries. Create a digital device contract and be clear about any consequences if they go around your limits.
Talk to your child about why it’s important to limit their screen time — especially if they’re having trouble sleeping. Stay informed about your child’s online activity through regular communication, online safety check-ins, and the use of a monitoring app.
Kids are savvy and can find ways around screen time limits. Parents should take steps to prevent their kids from hacking their limits, but also make other efforts such as staying engaged in their child’s online activity.
Bruh, I’m 🔥 AF. Say what?
You know you should monitor your child’s texts, but actually understanding their messages is a whole other story. Like previous generations of kids, Gen Z and Gen Alpha use slang to put their own spin on the way they communicate. But with social media contributing to the rapid spread of slang and emoji meaning in text messages, it can be extra hard for modern parents to keep up. So, what are the kids saying these days? Read on for a guide to some of the most common slang and emoji meanings you might find in your child’s texts, including ones that could mean they’re up to trouble.
If you’re concerned your child might be drinking or doing drugs, here are some emojis and slang you’ll want to know:
🤑👑💰💵🔌: Dealer advertisement
🍃🔥🌴🌲🍀😮💨: Marijuana
🍄: Hallucinogenic mushrooms
💊: Illicit use of prescription drugs
🔵🅿️🍌: Percocet or Oxycodone
🍫🚌: Xanax
A-🚆: Adderall
🔮💙💎🧪: Meth
🤎🐉: Heroin
❄️🌨️☃️💎🎱🔑😛🐡: Cocaine
♥️⚡️❌🍬: MDMA and Molly
🍇💜🍼: Cough syrup
Sexting is on the rise among kids and can come with big consequences. Here’s what you need to know to catch emoji innuendos on your child’s device:
🍆: Penis
🍑: Butt
🥵: “Hot” in a sexual sense.
🚛: “Dump truck,” which refers to a large and/or shapely bottom.
🌮: Vagina
🧠: Oral sex
💦: Ejaculation
👅: May indicate sexual activity, especially oral sex.
🤤: Desiring someone sexually (often used in response to nudes).
🍒: Breasts/testicles/virginity
🍝: Represents nudes, which are often called “noods.”
🔨: Used to refer to sexual activity.
🌽: Represents “porn,” especially on TikTok.
Here are some additional emojis and slang to be aware of:
🥴: Used to express drunkenness, sexual arousal, or a grimace.
🙃: Used to express annoyance.
🤡: Used when someone is acting foolish (like a clown).
👻: Indicates being “ghosted” (dumped or cut off from contact with no explanation).
🧢: Symbolizes a lie, also known as a “cap.”
🥶: Often used in response to a snarky comment (as in, “That was cold”).
💯: Used to give a stamp of approval.
🐍: Represents a snake or untrustworthy person.
☠️: Means “I’m dead,” as in they laughed so hard it killed them.
🔥: This symbol can be used to describe something very good or to describe when someone looks hot or sexy. It can also mean “lit,” as in intoxicated.
👀: Means one is feeling gossipy, as in “tell me more.”
Now that you know what to look for, make sure you’re on top of monitoring your child’s device. Regularly sit down and look at their messages with them. Consider signing up for a child safety app like BrightCanary, which even shows you deleted messages. Set clear expectations for texting behavior and to put it in writing with a digital device contract.
Kid’s texts can be filled with hard-to-decipher slang and secret codes. But with open communication, monitoring, and staying up on trends, you can spot trouble in your child’s texts so you can address the issue together.
