Expert Insights Series: What to Do If Your Child Receives Self-Harm Messages

Messages encouraging self-harm, such as KYS (short for “kill yourself”), are a common cyberbullying tactic. But reporting incidents to social media platforms can do more harm than good, and police officers often aren’t properly trained on how to deal with cyberbullying. 

I talked to Detective Rich Wistocki, child crime expert and founder of BeSure Consulting, about what to do if your child sends or receives KYS or other self-harm messages. 

The new cyberbullying: Why "KYS" messages are so dangerous

Wistocki says that kids may not realize how dangerous sending messages encouraging self-harm can be. He points to cases where kids have killed themselves because someone online convinced them they should.

“You have no idea what [they’re] going through at home. You don’t know if they have mental health issues. Maybe [your message] is the straw that breaks the camel’s back,” says Wistocki. 

What to do if your child receives KYS messages

If your child receives self-harm messages, these are the steps to take:

• Support them emotionally: Emphasize that what happened was not okay and that it’s not their fault. Wistocki tells kids, “No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself online. No one.” If you need additional support, consider enlisting the help of a mental health professional. 
• Do not report the situation to social media platforms: My conversation with Wistocki convinced me that the common advice to report situations to the social media platforms where they occur is actually a bad idea because it can lead to destruction of evidence. It’s common for platforms to take down or remove offensive material, and once it’s gone, it’s almost impossible to recover.
• Report the situation to the police instead: If your child is receiving self-harm messages, reporting it to law enforcement is a much more effective option. 

It might surprise you to learn that reporting to social media platforms can make things worse. Wistocki warns that reporting self-harm messages to social media sites is a bad idea if you plan to also report the situation to the police. Most platforms respond by deleting the account of the person who sent or posted the messages, thereby destroying evidence that law enforcement needs in order to respond.   

How to collect and preserve evidence of KYS messages

BrightCanary’s child monitoring tools make gathering evidence to give to the police much easier because everything is preserved, even deleted messages. Here are the steps Wistocki recommends for collecting and preserving evidence:

1. Collect these items

• Screen captures of everything.
• The sender’s user ID and/or gamer tag. 
• The sender’s phone number and e-mail (if available).

2. Prepare a statement 

Type a statement detailing everything that occurred, including how the situation made your child feel. 

3. Print everything 

Print a hard copy of your statement and all evidence. 

4. Back up evidence

Upload your statement and evidence to two thumb drives. Give one to the police; keep the other as backup. 

When to report to law enforcement

I asked Wistocki how to decide whether to report self-harm messages to the police. “If the parents are friendly with each other, then I would handle it through [the] parents,” he said. But Wistocki also emphasized that a child who sends KYS messages to one child is likely doing it to many other kids. “They have to be held accountable, which would require a police report."

Unfortunately, Wistocki tells me that most of the patrol officers you will initially encounter if you want to make a report have zero training in dealing with cybercrime like KYS and self-harm messages. Many may even refuse to take a report. 

Here are Wistocki’s tips for how to get your situation taken seriously by law enforcement:

• Bring evidence. Presenting a hesitant officer with your evidence may convince them to take a report. 
• Escalate if needed. If they still refuse, wait about 30 minutes, then call the 911 center and ask to speak to a supervisor. 
• Be persistent. If the supervisor refuses, contact the investigations unit and ask to speak with an ICAC-trained detective. 

What to say to your child if they're sending hurtful messages online 

If your child has been sending messages encouraging someone to hurt themselves, it’s important to take swift action.

• Emphasize the seriousness of the situation: Depending on the state and the circumstances, sending messages encouraging self-harm may be a crime. Help your child understand the seriousness, and explain how sending messages like this could lead to major harm for the receiver. 
• Insist they stop immediately: Be specific about your expectations and the consequences they’ll face if they continue. 
• Address the underlying reasons: Often, kids cyberbully because they have an unmet need and don’t know a more productive way to get it met. It could be pressure from friends, the desire to impress peers, or being victims of bullying themselves. Getting to the root of the problem will help you appropriately handle the behavior. 
• Consider reaching out to the parents of the affected child: If you have a relationship with the other child’s parents, you might reach out to them to let them know the steps you're taking to address the issue.  
• Monitor their online activity: KYS messages can have serious consequences for both the receiver and the sender. A child monitoring service like BrightCanary helps you make sure the behavior doesn’t continue.  

The bottom line

If your child receives KYS or other self-harm messages, prioritize supporting them emotionally. Don't report to social media platforms, as this can destroy important evidence. Instead, collect screen captures, contact details, and a written statement, then bring everything to law enforcement. If officers are reluctant to help, escalate to an ICAC-trained detective. 

If your child is the one sending harmful messages, address it immediately, get to the root cause, and monitor their activity online to ensure the behavior doesn’t continue. 

Read next in our expert insights series: what to do if your child talks to a predator online.

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