My tween isn’t into texting yet. But I’ve learned from friends whose kids are that monitoring your child’s messages means you’re likely to see something concerning sent by another child. When that happens, should you tell their parents? Talk to your child? Ignore it?
To prepare myself for the day my kid starts texting, I chatted with my friend E (I’m using an initial to allow her to speak freely on this sticky topic), who’s currently in the thick of this issue. Our conversation showed me there are no easy answers for what to do when your child’s friend texts something concerning. While there aren’t easy answers, here’s a decision-making framework I hope you’ll find useful.
Some concerning things you might see over text:
Deciding whether or not to tell the friend’s parents what their child texted is tricky. Consider these points:
Ask yourself, “If I say nothing, could this child (or another child) be seriously harmed?” Suicide risk, abuse, ongoing bullying, and drug use are all solid reasons to speak up.
Consider your motivations for approaching their parents. Do you truly want to help this child and their family? Or is part of you hoping for social capital, to prove to a frenemy that their child isn’t such a saint, or to put a kid you’re not fond of in their place?
Be brutally honest with yourself and make sure your reasons are squarely in the best interest of those involved.
There are plenty of things I want to know about my child. Not all of them are things I would want another parent to tell me. Think about how you would feel if someone brought this piece of information to you.
Giving your child a heads-up that you plan to approach their friend’s parents will help keep trust intact. You might also give them the opportunity to encourage their friend to speak to their parents directly.
Before you blurt it out, tell the other parent that you saw a text from their child that concerned you, and ask them if they want you to fill them in.
Deliver the information neutrally, without judgment, and don’t try to tell them how to handle the situation (unless they explicitly ask for advice). It’s hard enough to find out something difficult about your child; don’t make it any harder by adding your own stuff to the mix.
The other parent might react defensively. Your child might be mad at you for divulging the content of their texts. Their friend could be upset with you for spilling their business.
Let everyone have their feelings, and remind yourself you did what you felt was best.
Some concerning texts might not rise to a level that warrants telling the other parents, but it could still be worth discussing it with your own child.
My friend E told me that if she sees texts in a group chat that bother her, but that don’t involve her child, she doesn’t interject herself.
She added, “If my child is hurt, or I notice a significant change in the behavior or demeanor of my kid, I might have to say something.”
E told me that monitoring her kid’s texts “feels like being pulled in two opposing directions … I want my kid to have independence … but you have to give up control of what and who they’re exposed to.”
You’ll see some things that you don’t like, but making a big deal about each issue could lead your child to try to hide messages from you. (BrightCanary’s Text Message Plus plan helps you monitor your child’s text threads, even if they delete messages.)
Use the situation as an opportunity to talk about the texting conduct you expect from your child and coach them on how they might respond to their friend.
Monitoring your child’s texts is important for keeping them safe. But when their friend texts something concerning, it’s difficult to know what to do. Consider if the situation is dangerous and what you would want to happen if it were your child. If you decide to tell their parents, remain neutral and give your child a heads-up first.
If you’re looking for an effective way to monitor your child online, including their texts, BrightCanary scans everything they type and alerts you to any red flags. Download BrightCanary today to start your free trial and get complete peace of mind.
Save this list of the nine texts you should warn your child about, and don't make these common mistakes parents make with text message monitoring.
